Sunday, March 28, 2010

Team Meeting

The first test against South Africa ended in four days and the extra day gained was used in analysing the reasons at an emergency team meeting. My thoughts on what transpired there :

The  "performace analysis" meeting began with Dhoni stepping in. Most of the players were already present.

Dhoni : Hi guys, we are here to analyse your respective individual performances in the last test. So, all you guys have your notebooks?

All (in chorus) : Yes Sir!

Dhoni : Gary (Kirsten) , are you ready ?

Gary :  Ya ya, just downloading a new movie,  ya...,  1 GB  and this is India, so 3 hours.... ok yup, let us start dude.

Coach Gary still believes in the dossier by Paddy Upton !

Gary : OK, Gambhir.... what happened,  we had high expectations from you!

Gambhir: Actually Gary, I am not able to understand which way the ball was moving .

He almost started crying.  

Viru : How does it matter yaar ?  Just hit it man......... and if you dont connect, just say " ALL IS WELL". Forget it and move on...

Harbhajan Singh (Bhajji) entered the room just as Viru finished.

Bhajji : Sorry, I am late.

Dhoni thundered : Doosra kahan gaya ?

Bhajji (with all the innocence in the world) : (Amit) Mishra is in bathroom.

Dhoni (irritated)  :  I did not mean doosra bowler, I meant doosra delivery.

Bhajji : I actually bowled a lot of doosraas. But the pitch was so cracked up, even straight deliveries started turning.

Gary : Well.. this is a serious problem. You and Mishra will attend a presentation from Jumbo (Anil Kumble) on  " How to bowl straight spinners? "

Dhoni : Great idea, these are Jumbo wickets, you  bowl like a Sharne Warne here and you will get nightmares. 

Sachin liked the compliment, but restrained himself keeping
in mind the mood in the dressing room.
Gary : Viru! Why did you chase a delivery that pitched miles away ? 

Viru :   I loose concentration.

Dhoni : Takle pe thel lagaya kar. Mishra! iski maalish karade yaar.

Mishra had no option but to nod. " So sweet  Mishra! " , said Dhoni. 

Gary :  Viru! Chase only the balls that land on the pitch. Don't go for those that land on the grass.

Viru : Hmmmmmmmmmmm...........

Gary : Note it down!!!!!!!!!!

Dhoni : Viru will have nets and Ishanth will bowl at him. Ishanth! Bowl your natural deliveries that pitch on the grass and move away.

Viru and Ishanth : Ok.......

Gary turned towards Badrinath, Murli Vijay and Wridhiman Saha.

"You freshers... when a bowler bowls at you and the ball hits the stumps, you are actually out. Keep it in mind!"

"Appadia....." said Badrinath, on knowing the "Truth of his Life" .

Wridhiman Saha promptly noted the statement in his notebook.

Gary : Ok. We are almost done. Sachin! What are your inputs for the session?

Dhoni flashed his airhostess smile saying, "Please Sachin..".

Sachin said perhaps the most logical of all the said things in the meeting.

"I know a curator, a very good one.. Bal Thackeray..! He is the best curator in India.. from Aamchi Mumbai.  He "RE-DESIGNED" the Kotla pitch in 1999 and Jumbo took 10 wickets in an innings. Why don't we bring him at Eden Grdens?"

Bhajji got excited. Yeah yeah.. Jumbo used to tell me how good a curator he was. He was Jumbo's favourite. Get him in. I will take all the wickets.

The meeting supposed to analyse the fiasco ended on a feel-good note. 

PS : I admit I should have posted it before the second test began....... but I have been uncharacteristically busy :)

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